Beneath
by keyty
Summary: Rainne is all kinds of messed up. Rainne is easily forgotten. Rainne is very quiet. Then Lily and the Marauders come along, and everything changes. trigger warning: self harm, eating disorder. updates currently on hold while i adjust to my new college schedule and work load. so sorry for the inconvenience, i'll be back asap!
1. Numb

author's note:

the following story is about a girl that suffers from depression, social anxiety, and slight anorexia/bulimia. this girl harms herself, and there are moments that can be triggers for people that struggle with self harm. if you are one of those people, i strongly recommend not reading this story. if you still wish to do so, there will be trigger warnings before moments that are especially descriptive. they will be labeled with an asterisk at the beginning and at the end of those scenes. anything you would miss by skipping over them that is important will be described at the end of the chapter.

i do not condone, glorify, or support self harm or eating disorders.

thank you for reading.

Suggested Track

I can't breath and I can't smile

This better be worth my while

I feel numb most of the time

The lower I get the higher I'll climb

Numb - Marina & The Diamonds

"How are you feeling, Rainne?" he says.

It is always like this.

She grunts in response, studying the scratches on the wooden door that is her escape.

She wonders how they got there.

He shakes his head.

"You're not helping yourself by being so stubborn, Rainne."

Rainne rolls her eyes. She doesn't care.

She turns her attention to the window. Sunlight leaks through the blinds. The straight lines of pure light end just beside her. She slides her hand along the leather sofa until she can feel the heat on her skin. She closes her eyes.

"I want to go outside," she mutters.

The doctor grins. The doctor with the fancy PhD and the framed diploma and the family portrait and the notepad on his lap grins.

"Not just yet, Rainne."

She is fuming.

"I need to see your wrist."

Her eyes widen, then they are slits.

"I know you try to hide them with all of those bracelets," he gestures to her arm, sprawled out on the couch, "It is obviously too hot for long sleeves. You're not fooling anyone. You know the rules, Rainne. I need to see your wrist."

Rainne is up and at the wooden door that is her escape in a matter of seconds.

He chuckles and pulls his wand out.

"Already locked."

She screams.

"Calm down."

"I don't need this," she says through her teeth.

"Oh, but you know that you do."

He is arrogant.

"Sit down, Rainne. The more you cooperate the easier this will be."

She slumps into the sofa in defeat, arms crossed.

"That's more like it."

She hates him.

There is a pause.

"When was the last time you harmed yourself?" he finally asks.

Rainne is annoyed.

No.

Rainne is more than annoyed.

She looks down at her left wrist and he raises his eyebrows, urging her to go on.

She slowly takes off the colorful, bright, happy bracelets one by one. The ones she wears when it's hot. The ones she wishes described her.

She reveals a fresh cut. It hasn't had time to scab over.

"This morning," she spits out.

Rainne lays on her bed, staring at the ceiling.

She wishes she had friends.

She wishes she wasn't herself.

She wishes she led a different life.

Before she knows it she is thumping down the stairs and snatching her keys from where they hang beside the front door.

"Where are you going?" her grandfather asks.

It is an innocent question. She has been in her room since she got home two weeks ago for Summer Break, except for her exhausting appointments.

She hardly turns, merely looking at his feet over her shoulder. She can't meet his gaze.

"I'm going on a walk."

He smiles after her. He wishes he could stop all the pain he can feel her emanating.

He knows how much she hates seeing doctors, but doesn't know what else he can do to help her.

Rainne walks down the new, unfamiliar street.

The sound of laughter trickles into her ears. Children play and scream, running around the neighborhood from house to house. They are so free, Rainne notices.

She lights a cigarette and brings it to her lips, inhaling the sweet nicotine.

She wonders what life would be like if her parents were alive.

"Stupid muggles," she mutters to herself.

If her parents had been wizards, they would have never been in that car in the first place, she thinks.

She sees her reflection in a puddle and stops, glaring at it.

"Mudblood," she spits. The word is like venom flowing through her veins. She steps in her reflection and continues on.

"Excuse me?" says a stern voice.

Rainne is stunned. She was told this was a wizard free neighborhood. She can't force herself to look up.

"What did you say to me?" the voice asks. Rainne recognizes that voice. The cigarette falls from her hands and she stamps on it before speaking.

"I... Y-y-y-y-y-y," Rainne struggles, "Y-you didn't h-h-hear the wh-whole thing."

"Oh, really?" the voice's owner crosses her arms and looks at Rainne expectantly.

"Y-y-yes. I said 'I-I-I-I can't b-b-elieve they c-c-called me a m-mudblood," she looks up at Lily Evans. Rainne feels the anxiety taking over. It shuts her mouth as if using a silencing charm on her.

Lily stares at her, feeling embarrassed.

"Shit," she says, "I'm so used to being called that, you know," she fumbles over her words.

Rainne nods, trying to communicate that it is okay.

She then realizes that Lily doesn't recognize her. The girl with the pretty red hair and the piercing green eyes and the bed next to hers at Hogwarts doesn't recognize her.

She feels like she is drowning. She should have never left the house.

She wishes she hadn't put out her cigarette.

Lily is still stumbling over what she is trying to say until she comes to a halt.

"Wait a second," she says, eyeing Rainne, "I know for a fact that there are only two other wizard families living within like ten miles."

Fuck.

Rainne struggles to find her voice.

She opens her mouth but the words don't come out.

Lily just stares at her, thinking she looks like a fish out of water.

"J-j-j-j-just m-m-moved."

Raine exhales. She is exhausted.

Lily can tell she feels uncomfortable. She smiles, trying to be friendly.

"I'm Lily Evans," she states, introducing herself.

Fuck.

Lily can see the pain in Rainne's eyes and immediately regrets what she's done.

"R-r-r-rainne P-p-p-pember-t-ton."

Lily's eyes flash with grief when she hears the name.

She knows of the crash.

Rainne pretends she hasn't noticed, but she knows that Lily knows.

She doesn't want pity, but fears she has no choice.

"Listen," Lily says, "Do you know of the Potters?" she pauses long enough for Rainne to nod, "Well, their son, James, is having a pool party tomorrow. Would you like to come?" Rainne recognizes the tone in her voice. It is the voice a nurse uses when speaking to the daughter of two deceased parents. The voice of pity.

Rainne can't speak. She seems uncertain.

"I'm sure he wouldn't mind," Lily adds.

Rainne nods sharply, staring at her feet.

She wants nothing more than for this conversation to end.

Lily gives her the address and bids her a farewell.

Rainne watches Lily turn the corner.

She runs home, gasping for air.


	2. Summer Mood

Suggested Track

Walking away

Talking all day

I can't stand this

Summer Mood - Best Coast

Lily walks up to the Potter mansion. She knocks on the mahogany door twice, with deliberate force.

She hears the sound echo on the marble walls inside.

"Coming!"

Lily scowls. She is not looking forward to this encounter.

James Potter opens the door. Upon seeing Lily, his lips form into a grin.

"Miss me already, Evans?"

She rolls her eyes at him. She mock laughs for a few moments before being serious again.

"Funny. No, I need to talk to you."

He smirks.

She rolls her eyes at him.

He wants her, and she loathes it.

She enters and admires his home. It's splendor never ceases to amaze her. Everything seems to be made of marble.

Above the fireplace hangs a magical painting of some relative. The subjects snores quietly.

Red velvet armchairs are arranged facing the mantel, along with a loveseat and a sofa.

"Did you hear about the muggle car crash that happened in May near here?" she asks.

He stares at her blankly.

"It was awful," she says.

He hasn't a clue and she can't force herself to say it aloud.

Finally, seeing no other way, she slowly drags her forefinger across her neck.

James inhales sharply.

"Fuck. Yeah, I remember now."

"I just ran into their daughter," her eyes are pained.

He wants nothing more than to hold her just then.

"I invited her to the pool party tomorrow," she says. It sounds like a question.

He nods.

"Of course."

She nods, sitting on the velvet loveseat.

She wonders how Rainne must feel. She can't fathom it.

"She looked..." Lily starts. She struggles to find a nice way to say what she is thinking.

There is no nice way to say what she is thinking.

"She looked like she was really messed up."

James winces, sitting beside her. He very rarely witnesses Lily speaking poorly of someone.

"I know it sounds awful!" Lily cries, "But how else could someone be after their parents got decapitated in a car crash! I couldn't..." she trails off, staring at her lap.

Her mind wanders off.

James inches closer to her, as if to put his arms around her. He thinks better of it and his arms fall limp beside him.

He wants nothing more than to hold her.

She straightens up.

"I just wanted to make sure that was okay with you," she says, standing up quickly.

She mutters a quiet goodbye as she leaves.

James exhales after she shuts the door, falling back onto the love seat.

He knows how important this must be to her. She has never spoken to him that way; she has always been angry.

Suddenly, a smirk forms on his lips.

He wonders what she looks like in a swimsuit.

Lily dips her hand in the water as it slowly carries her around the pool. She is laying on a rubber air mattress, taking in the sun.

The guys are playing some form of aquatic quidditch she can't seem to find interest in.

James has invited a decent amount of girls. They all cheer as they watch them play, but Lily can't be bothered, and the pool is large enough that they all seem distant.

A magic announcer sitting in a tiny podium keeps the girls updated on the score.

"The Marauders are up by twenty!" it squeaks.

Lily slowly runs her fingers up and down her stomach. She loves being in the sun. When summer rolls around each year, she spends as much time as she can soaking it in.

She detests the thought of being pale like her sister.

Her and is in the water once more, swaying it back and forth.

Suddenly, she feels something playing with her fingers. She makes a fist around it, capturing it immediately. Sitting up, she peeks through her fingers to see what it is.

"The game is over! the small announcer squeaks, "The snitch has been caught!"

Everyone is silent.

They look at Benjamin, the seeker for the Marauders. He shakes his head, opening his hands to show they are empty. The other seeker does the same.

Lily howls with laughter, drawing everyone's attention to herself.

"I caught it!" she screams, giggling uncontrollably and kicking her legs up and down, "I actually caught it!"

James grins.

Rainne's hands shake as she rings the doorbell. She already wants another cigarette.

The Potter mansion is colossal. She takes a few steps back to admire the marble statues, the small fountain just behind the iron gates that read "POTTER" in bold, intimidating letters.

She already regrets coming here.

The door slams open to reveal a soaking wet James Potter.

His bathing suit sticks to his legs and he tugs at it in an attempt to be less drips down from his hair, down his chest and into a small puddle at his feet.

He is beaming.

"Come in!" he says, not bothered by the fact that he doesn't know her.

Rainne is devastated. Nobody remembers her.

She can feel the blood draining from her features.

She is so utterly nervous. A wreck, really.

He leads her through the large sitting room, then the kitchen. His feet slap against the marble floor and his hair is still dripping. She follows him outside.

Her eyes search desperately for Lily.

"Hey, Rainne," she hears a soft voice say. She spins around, locking eyes with Lily. She blinks rapidly and attempts to smile.

It comes out as a grimace.

"What would you like to do?" Lily says, remaining cheery, "There is food over there," she gestures to a large table covered in sugary treats, "Or you could tan. Or there's the pool, obviously."

Rainne tries not to wince at the amount of calories that are still adding up in her head.

She shrugs.

More than anything, what she wants to do is be swallowed into the earth.

"We could just sit with everyone?" Lily adds. She is running out of suggestions.

Rainne nods. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. She is already convinced that the will be a miserable one.

Lily smiles and leads her to the wet crowd.

Some sit at the edge of the pool, their legs dipped into the water. Others gather in the shade under a tarp that hangs above the concrete porch, sitting on a wooden picnic table.

They are talking about quidditch.

"It was crazy!" Benjamin Taylor exclaims, "He caught the snitch five minutes into the match and Spain won the cup!"

Everyone exclaims.

Lily does the one thing Rainne fears most.

"Everyone," she says, "this is Rainne."

The group turns to look at her. They silently eye her, taking her in. Most recognize her, but choose not to mention it.

Hellos are mumbled and Rainne nods shyly in response.

She looks like she's in pain, they think.

She can't speak.

She hasn't uttered a word yet and the anxiety has already taken over her vocal chords.

She hates herself for it.

There is an awkward pause before one girl -Carmen, Rainne recalls -speaks.

"I love your bracelets."

She reaches out to touch them and Rainne flinches, then obliges.

Carmen and Lily exchange a look.

"Lets go for a swim!" someone says.

author's note:

before moving on, i would like to clarify that peter has been replaced by benjamin taylor. to be honest, i don't know if this story will reach the point of godric's hollow, but if it does, it will not end as it did in the books.

thank you for reading.


	3. How Can I

Suggested Track

Yeah, I'm in trouble, can't stop what's coming

Can't blame this one on bad luck

How Can I - Charli XCX

Lily stands at her mirror, combing the knots out of her wet hair. She wears only a towel.

Carmen sits at the edge of the bed, painting her toenails a neon yellow.

"So," she says after a moment, "Rainne..."

"I know," Lily agrees. She looks at Carmen in the reflection of the mirror as she speaks, "She is so shy."

"I felt so awkward after I touched her arm," Carmen says, "She looked terrified."

"When I met her yesterday she could hardly speak," Lily comments.

Carmen looks up at her, confused.

"What are you talking about?" she says, "We've shared a dorm with her since first year."

Lily turns around and gasps, her eyes wide with shock. She clasps her hands over her mouth and the comb drops to the floor with a clatter. She shakes her head in horror.

"No," she mutters through her fingers. Carmen nods.

Lily is disgusted with herself.

"I can't believe I didn't recognize her... She must hate me."

Carmen shrugs.

"In all honesty I don't think she's spoken to me in my entire life. She is silent."

Lily sits beside her. She feels terrible.

"I can't believe I've known her for five years without realizing it. When I heard about the crash I didn't even recognize her last name," she looks down at the floor, still horrified

Carmen goes back to painting her nails.

"Make it up to her this year," she suggests, "Maybe she can join our group of friends."

Lily slowly nods in agreement, still in shock.

Rainne stares at her ceiling, laying motionless on the floor. She is stiff as a board in the center of her room. Tears glide down her cheeks and into her ears.

They didn't know her.

Nobody knows her.

With a sudden movement, she grabs the Tiffany box out of her dresser drawer and locks herself in her bathroom.

She takes off each bracelet one by one, shaking. Her fingers run over the scabs and scars that decorate her flesh.

The pink Tiffany box has a blue tulle ribbon tied in a bow around it. Rainne slowly undoes it before opening the box.

She takes out a blade.

Still sobbing, she drags the blade against her skin.

"That one," she sobs, "is for being so fucking quiet that nobody even knows you."

She welcomes the pain. The pain only she can control.

Her pain.

She starts a new line before the first.

"This one is for eating that cookie, you fat cow."

She knows this is wrong.

She knows this is why she has appointments with the doctor.

She knows this is starting to get out of hand.

But she's been doing this for so long she doesn't know how to stop.

She doesn't remember a time before this.

She hates it, but she needs it.

Rainne is livid with herself. She drops the blade on the tile floor and jumps up to look at herself in the mirror. Red blood drips down her arm and onto the floor. She tugs at her cheeks, pulling them back to make her look thinner.

"No dinner for you, fattie."

She looks down at her stomach, ripping off her shirt to get it out of the way. She stretches it back until it looks like Lily's.

"You're so revolting," she says.

Blood smears along her stomach and she falls to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Her feet smear with the blood that has formed into a small puddle on the tile.

"Why can't I be like her?" she wails, "I want to be like her..."

Rainne sits in the backseat of her grandfather's car, leaning her head against the window. She hopes she doesn't see Lily. She hates trying to act normal around her. Being around Carmen is worse. Carmen doesn't care about anything, she lives effortlessly.

Rainne longs to be happy like them.

Lily sits beside Petunia in the back of her father's car.

Petunia complains about missing her date with Vernon. She doesn't want to see Lily off.

Their father argues with her. Lily keeps quiet, but deep down wishes Petunia could have gone on that date instead of coming along.

She thinks of Rainne. She is determined to befriend her before the year ends.

Rainne finds an empty compartment after hugging her grandparents goodbye. They could tell her smile was insincere, that she wasn't happy. They were desperate to help her. They hugged her tightly, trying to communicate everything through that embrace, then waved her off.

Rainne sets her luggage on the rack above the seats. She sits down and pulls a book out of her purse, setting it on her lap. She pretends to read while she listens, making sure nobody is coming. Without any warning, the door slides open abruptly.

Rainne wants a cigarette.

Rainne wants to die.

"Hey, Rainne," say Lily and Carmen. They barge into the small compartment without asking.

Rainne makes a small wave in response then looks down at her book, actually reading this time. Lily and Carmen glance at each other. They sit across from Rainne and start talking about the classes they're taking. Rainne is beginning to feel comfortable when she hears another familiar voice.

"Here they are!"

She looks up and sees James Potter peeking through the glass of the compartment door. A smile forms on his lips just as a frown forms on Lily's. He slides the door open and the Marauders pour in.

"My beautiful Lily Flower!" James exclaims.

"Potter," is all he receives in response.

"Aw, are we on last name terms again?" he pouts.

Rainne smiles. She wishes someone loved her with that determination.

Lily turns her back to him and continues her conversation with Carmen. James chuckles.

"Carmen," he says in greeting. She smiles at him as she listens to Lily. He turns to Rainne, "Hey, Rainne," he says, "You're looking lovely today," he smiles at her.

She blushes.

"Thank you," she manages to say.

James is pleased with himself. Lily glares at him with envy. He turns to Sirius and they begin to discuss quidditch; James has been named captain.

Remus leaves the compartment to perform his prefect duties, bidding goodbye to the group.

Benjamin, with whom Remus had been speaking, turns to Rainne. She looks up at him, just now realizing he is sitting beside her.

"You were at that pool party at the beginning of the summer, right?" he asks.

She nods sharply.

"I'm Ben," he says, "I think we had charms together last year."

She nods a second time, this time more slowly. She is surprised he remembers her. He smiles at her, wanting her to feel comfortable.

"So what have you been doing all summer?" he asks.

She gestures to her book.

She wants to say something.

"Y-y-y," she stutters. She is hating herself again. He waits patiently, "Y-y-y-y-you?" she finally asks.

She vows never to speak again.

"Not much. I practiced quidditch, hung out with friends..." he laughs, "I spent a lot of time outside, as you can see!"

He is very tan. She notices everyone is. She looks down at her pale skin, frowning.

"But to tell you the truth," he adds, "I like pale skin."

She smiles.

She decides she likes Benjamin.

No, Ben.

She hopes she has classes with him again this year.

The train ride continues this way. Ben talks to her while she nods, occasionally smiling.

She doesn't speak again.

Remus returns. James flirts with Lily while she scowls. She hates that Benjamin is making Rainne smile. She hates that she didn't remember Rainne and that Rainne obviously feels uncomfortable around her.

Lily tries to join the conversation, but Ben, upon seeing how awkward Rainne feels, becomes silent.

Ben looks at Rainne while Rainne stays focused on her hands. Lily looks back and forth between them, feeling rejected. She knows that gaining Rainne's friendship won't be easy.

Lily finally turns to Carmen in defeat and begins speaking to her again. Ben and Rainne pick up where they left off, and Lily can't help but feel as if she has been punched in the stomach.

They finally arrive at the castle.

Rainne starts to walk away from the group, but Ben motions that she joins them on the carriage ride. She pretends she can't see the thestrals as everyone talks excitedly about the upcoming year.

Upon entering the Great Hall, Ben sits beside Rainne. He feels protective over her.

Rainne figits awkwardly around him but she likes having him close to her. She enjoys his company more than she thought she would.

Dumbledore gives his annual speech. He warns the first years about the Forbidden Forest as always, reminding everyone of the endless list of rules posted in the caretaker's office. Nothing is new.

Everyone but Rainne starts to eat. She has food in front of her but only pushes it around. She feels strange sitting with the group. She is used to being alone.

Remus leads the first years through the Gryffindor Tower while Rainne follows everyone else to the common room. She doesn't think she can handle much more social contact so she slowly starts up the stairs to the girls' dorms.

"Goodnight," Ben calls after her, smiling softly.

She smiles and waves at him. When she turns, her smile fades and when she is out of sight, she runs up the stairs.

She realizes she has eaten too much. Luckily, the dorm is empty.

She shuts the bathroom door behind her and casts a silencing charm on the room just in case.

She looks at the mirror and frowns.

"Fat. Disgusting and fat." she says to herself as she pulls at her stomach. Her eyes fill with tears.

Her knees fall to the floor around the toilet and she purges, tears streaming down her cheeks.


	4. Teen Idle

Suggested Track

_I wanna stay inside all day_

_I want the world to go away_

_I want blood, guts, and chocolate cake_

_I wanna be a real fake_

_Teen Idle - Marina & the Diamonds_

Rainne and Ben study in the library during their free period. She has become comfortable enough in the past month that she is able to speak to him without stuttering. She is still very shy, but speaks more often, although she still speaks softly.

They sit side by side in silence, staring at their textbooks. Rainne occasionally takes notes while Ben just stares at the words. He is already bored. He looks over at her. Her brow is furrowed in concentration. He nudges her and she looks up at him smiling. She nudges him back.

"I'm bored," he complains, "Let's go do something fun."

Rainne laughs softly.

"I have to study, Ben. You can go hang out with the guys, if you want."

Ben huffs.

"I wanna hang out with you," he whines, "I thought we were going to do something_ fun_!"

Rainne smiles, shaking her head in defeat. She shuts her book. He grins.

They leave the library and walk the halls.

Rainne has been happier than usual lately. Her newfound friendship is helping her overcome her social anxiety. She now stutters much less, and the anxiety takes longer to silence her.

She is still apprehensive around the girls. They hardly speak to each other, even in their dorm, but Rainne likes it this way.

She plays exploding snap with Ben in the common room, sharing his laughter.

Lily Evans sits in class next to Carmen Pierson, her new best friend. She doodles on some parchment as Professor Binns drones to the students. She is three chapters ahead of the syllabus, not that it really matters. Anyone could ace this class just by skimming through the chapters.

She puts her quill down and looks around the room, leaning back in her chair. Carmen sleeps beside her, her arms sprawled out on her desk. James and Sirius play gobstones in the back row. Lily rolls her eyes at them, a habit of hers.

As she browses the room, her eyes lock with Severus Snape's. He immediately looks away and she slumps in her seat, going back to her doodling.

She would never admit this out loud, but she misses Severus dearly. Sure, he had been cruel to her that sunny day in fifth year, but when they had been alone he was truly kind. He could make her laugh so effortlessly, and she misses that feeling.

But she can't let herself go back to him. He had crossed a line.

Suddenly, Lily feels something hit the back of her head. She turns around to find James looking at her expectantly, wearing his trademark smirk. Her eyes roll yet again and she looks down to see what he threw. She picks up the crumpled up parchment and smooths it out on her desk.

_Go out with me, Evans?_

Once she has read them, the words disappear.

_Fuck off, Potter._

She writes in response. These words fade away as well. James's response appears as he writes it on his parchment.

_Wow, usually it takes you a while to get that angry. What's wrong, my flower?_

Lily scoffs and pushes the note off her desk, slumping onto it like Carmen. She hears James sigh, and then the sounds of gobstones resume.

Across the room, Severus smiles.

After about an hour of exploding snap, Ben says he has to meet up with the Marauders. He gives Rainne a 'See you later.' and leaves her in the common room.

Now that she is alone with her thoughts, she sees everything in a whole new light.

He probably left because he is getting tired of her, she thinks.

He probably thinks she is annoying and needy.

She scowls, feeling stupid. How did she not realize this before?

Ben blinds her from reality.

As she walks upstairs to the girls' dorm, her usual negative thoughts pour into her mind. By the time she is on her bed she is already in a foul mood.

Marlene McKinnon, a fellow sixth year, sits on her own bed. Marlene had also been shy when they both started at Hogwarts, but she has grown out of it. Rainne envies her greatly.

She stands by the window, opening it, and lights a cigarette, inhaling the smoke and blowing it out into the open air. Now that she's at Hogwarts, her nicotine breaks are rare. Marlene coughs rather pointedly, and Rainne puts the cigarette out, shutting the window. She sits on her bed, glancing at Marlene.

Her wrist itches, longing for a blade. It has been a few days since she has felt this way. Her wounds have had time to scab over.

Rainne picks at her bracelets, looking at Marlene. What is she even doing here? Shouldn't she be studying or with friends or in class or doing something anywhere but here?

Rainne looks at the alarm clock on her bedside table. It's nearly dinner time. Shouldn't Marlene be leaving by now? Rainne was already planning on skipping dinner, but Marlene really needs to leave.

Her wrist becomes more uncomfortable, like a crescendo in a symphony that becomes louder and louder.

Looking for a distraction, Rainne reaches for some parchment and a quill. Soon, she is writing a letter to her grandparents.

_Dear Grandma and Grandpa,_

_How are things at home? Anything exciting happen? Here, things are pretty dull._

_I'm looking forward to Halloween, though. It's on a Saturday so I get to go to Hogsmeade, the wizard town nearby. I need new books to read seeing as I've already exhausted the library of anything interesting._

_How is bingo? Any big wins?_

Rainne takes a deep breath.

_Anyways, I've kind of been wanting to say something._

_I really appreciate you taking me in after what happened. I know you struggle as it is and that it can't be easy to support me on your pensions. Next summer I'm going to work and help you out while I'm on vacation._

_I also wanted to thank you for dealing with me. I haven't been very easy to live with and I'm sorry for that. I think I'm getting better._

_All my love,_

_Rainne_

Rainne realizes she is crying. She looks around to see if Marlene has noticed, but Marlene is gone.

Rainne's wrist still itches with anticipation.

"No," she says unconvincingly, "I just told them I'm better."

As if on cue, the demons in her head remind her of every negative thought she has ever had. She clenches her arm and forms a fist with her hand, trying to stop her wrist from itching. She feels as if it is screaming at her, numbing her ears.

She runs into the bathroom, Tiffany box in hand.


	5. Tears and Rain

Suggested Track

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,

Help me understand the years.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

Tears and Rain - James Blunt

Rainne sits on the common room floor later that night. Her stupid outburst had gotten way out of hand, and she had dragged the blade against her wrist more than she ever had before. Bandaids cover her arm. Luckily, her bracelets conceal them, but she still wears long sleeves as an extra precaution.

After cleaning up after herself, Rainne had sent the letter to her grandparents. She hopes they respond soon. Now she writes a Potions essay, books and notes scattered on the floor around her.

Her left arm twitches with pain.

Suddenly, the portrait hole opens and Ben walks in. He looks around until he spots Rainne sitting in front of the fireplace.

"There you are!" he says, walking over to her, "Why weren't you at dinner?"

She looks up at him, smiling instantly.

"I fell asleep," she says sheepishly. He laughs, believing her lie.

"Do you want to go to the kitchens?"

She shakes her head.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry."

Rainne looks down at her essay and adds another line to it.

"Aah, is that the essay for Slughorn?" Ben asks. She nods and he groans, "I haven't even started it. When is it due?"

"Day after tomorrow."

"Shit, I better get to work."

Ben summons his supplies with a flick of his wand and starts working on the essay. Every so often, he peeks at her parchment. She catches him every time and laughs, making a big deal of covering it. After a while, more students start to gather in the common room.

The younger girls glare at Rainne as they walk by. They think she is sleeping with Ben. Their jealousy is misunderstood by Rainne as pure hatred.

Anxiety whispers in her ear.

_Nobody likes you. Not even Ben. He just wants to cheat off your essay._

She flinches and tries to ignore it. Right now, she is with Ben. He does like her, she tries to convince herself. Nothing bad can happen when she is with Ben. Ben takes care of her.

Lily walks into the common room alone, rubbing her stomach. She is full, leaving Carmen behind because she is snogging some Ravenclaw in a broom closet. She looks around and spots Ben and Rainne. She walks over to them, sitting on the couch behind them.

"Is that the Potions essay?" she asks. Rainne nods without looking up, tracing the lines of a book, "Oh, I've already finished it. Do you guys want any help?" she asks, smiling at them.

Rainne's head snaps up. She looks at Ben, pleading with her eyes. Ben looks at her, then at Lily.

"Uhh, I think we're good," he says, "Thanks, though!" he adds quickly.

Lily's smile fades.

"Oh, Lily flower!" she hears from the portrait hole. She scowls.

"Oh, sod off, will you, Potter!" she jumps up angrily and goes up the stairs.

She just wants this stupid night to end.

James wishes he knew how to make her smile.

Rainne sits alone at the Gryffindor table. She has been having trouble sleeping lately, her mind plagued by nightmares.

She picks at a bowl of fruit, chewing slowly. The Great Hall is empty except for a handful of Ravenclaws. Even the staff table is empty. Rainne enjoys the silence, but not the thought that accompany it. She pushes down all the memories of the crash and forces herself to read her textbook.

Lily applies mascara to her eyelashes next to Carmen, who is putting on red lipstick.

"Did you hear anything strange last night?" Lily asks her.

Carmen shakes her head, "I slept like a freaking baby last night."

Lily puts down the mascara and bites her lip, looking at Carmen's reflection.

"I think Rainne was crying."

Carmen looks at her.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I woke up and heard sobbing coming from her bed. It was pretty quiet, but I know I heard it."

"Not much you can do about it, really," Carmen says.

Lily nods sadly and starts to brush her hair. She stares at Rainne's empty bed in the mirror.

Students begin to sleepily pile into the Great Hall. Rainne is still slowly picking at her breakfast when the Marauders arrive.

"Morning, Rainne," they chirp.

She smiles at them and puts her book away. Ben sits next to her as usual.

"Are you going to the quidditch match this Friday?" he asks her.

She looks at him.

"I don't have anyone I could go with," she says quietly.

"Remus isn't on the team, you could go with him," Ben says, "Right, Moony?"

Remus nods, looking at Rainne. She smiles back at him.

"Okay," she says, looking back at Ben. He grins.

"Awesome!" this makes Rainne grin as well.

James and Sirius join the conversation.

"Have you been to a quidditch match before?" Sirius asks her. She shakes her head, "Really? Well, you're in for a treat!"

"We are going to annihilate Slytherin!" James roars. Many students turn to look at him, some Gryffindors cheer in agreement. James grins and goes back to scarfing down his breakfast.

Rainne laughs. She is happy.

The feeling is foreign to her, but she embraces it.

Just then, the morning post arrives. The school owl she sent her letter with drops a package in front of her, snatches a piece of her fruit, then flies off.

Rainne opens the letter attached to the package. She is surprised by the fast response.

_Our dearest Rainne,_

_All is well here. We have started putting up Halloween decorations. Bingo is uneventful as usual. We hope you don't mind that we sent you some of your books. We know these are your favorites. Let's hope you don't mind re-reading them!_

_On a more serious note, however._

_We want to make this clear, Rainne. You will never be a burden to us. We are your grandparents and we love you. We will do everything we can to help you. This past summer has not been easy on anyone, but we were together, and that truly is all that matters. Never forget that, Rainne._

_With love,_

_Grandma and Grandpa_

Rainne smiles, wiping a small tear off her cheek. Her heart warms as she reads and re-reads the letter.

"Are you okay?" Lily asks. Rainne snaps up. She hadn't noticed Lily and Carmen arrive. She smiles at Lily and nods, daring herself to speak.

"G-grandparents," she says, holding up the letter. Lily smiles.

"What did they send you?" she asks, "If you don't mind me asking."

Rainne opens the package to reveal her favorite books.

"I love Phantom Tollbooth!" Lily gasps.

"M-me too," Rainne says, picking it out of the bunch. She runs her finger down the worn paperback spine, smiling softly.

Lily smiles. She is happy with herself.

The group finishes breakfast and heads to their first class.

Rainne daydreams through all of her classes. Today all she can think of is the day her letter arrived. Her parents were terrified. An owl was pecking its beak at the kitchen window, threatening to crack it. As Rainne's mother and father ran around the room frantically, trying to figure out what to do, she walked up to the bird in awe. Upon seeing her, it became very still, resting quietly on the window sill. She opened the window and it flew in, causing her mother to scream. It stared at Rainne from the kitchen table and stuck its leg out. Rainne notice a letter was attached to it. She took it gently and the owl flew off after grabbing a piece of toast.

"Rainne," says Remus.

Rainne looks up. The classroom is empty. Had she fallen asleep?

"Are you coming to dinner?" he asks. She frowns. Dinner? She looks out the window. It's dark. She really hasn't been aware of her surroundings at all today. She looks at Remus.

"No," she says, shaking her head, "I have a lot o-of homework. I'll go t-to the k-kitchens later."

He nods in agreement.

"Sounds good."

She smiles at him as he leaves the classroom. Her smile fades when she is out of sight and she picks up her things and goes to the girls' dorm.

She pauses after dumping her things on her bed, looking around at the room. It is a mess, she notices. She has the sudden urge to clean everything.

She reaches for her wand, then decides against it.

She wants to do this by hand.

Rainne gathers everyone's clothes and begins to fold them neatly. She is proud of herself today, all she has eaten it three small cubes of fruit at breakfast. Her stomach growls, but she ignores it.

She hangs the remaining clothes and then proceeds to make the beds.

"Just like that, Ray," she hears her mother say, "Tug at the sheets and smooth out the wrinkles... Perfect. Now tuck them in. Now do the same with the blanket. Great job."

Rainne remembers sitting on her mother's lap all those years ago. She had tucked a strand behind Rainne's ear before saying, "Do you know why I call you Ray, baby girl?" Rainne shook her head. Her mother smiled, "Because you are my beautiful Ray of sunlight."

"Why did you call me Rainne, then?" she asked.

"Because the rain is beautiful. Rain cleans your soul."

Rainne shakes her head. She is done cleaning the dorm. She puts her hand on her stomach. She suddenly feels bloated. She decides to go on a jog to burn the calories from breakfast.

She leaves the castle, her wand still on her bedside table.

Lily and Carmen enter their dorm. Their eyes widen.

"Did you do this?" Lily asks Marlene. She is already sitting on her bed, book in hand. She shakes her head.

"I think Rainne did. It was like this when I got here."

"Isn't that her wand over there?" Carmen says. She walks over to it and picks it up, muttering something under her breath. Sparks fly out of the wand.

"That's the spell we learned in charms today," Lily points out.

"Do you think she did it all by hand?" Marlene says. The girls look at each other in shock.

Rainne jogs up and down the same flight of stairs over and over again, breathing heavily through her mouth.

She vows to quit her nasty nicotine habit, panting as she goes up and down and up and down the steps.

She has to lose ten pounds. Ten pounds. One, zero.

It's all she can think about. The number runs through her head, repeating itself.

She checks the time, does one more round, then jogs back to the dorm.

When she reaches the Fat Lady, she slows down and takes a deep breath. She can't let them see. She must look effortlessly thin.

Although she obviously isn't thin yet, she thinks.

When she enters, the common room is empty. How long has she been gone.

Everyone in her dorm is asleep.

A note lays on her pillow

_Thanks for cleaning the room, Rainne._

_We owe you one!_

Rainne smiles and falls on her bed, exhausted.

**author's note: now that i've got a few chapters up, i'm going to be uploading one every sunday. thanks for reading!**


	6. Velvet Crowbar

Suggested Track

Life is a velvet crowbar

Hitting you over the head

You're bleeding but you want more

Velvet Crowbar - Lana del Rey

The next few days are a blur. All anyone can talk about is the upcoming quidditch match between Slytherin and Gryffindor. Girls talk about what outfits they're going to wear, guys predict the winning score. Fans make enchanted posters that flash, sparkle, and scream.

Rainne is also excited, but not about the match. Everyday she is getting away with eating less and less. Nobody is noticing. She has reached a point where she no longer eats, she merely plays with her food to make it look as if she has.

Nobody cares enough to notice, she thinks. Why would they? She is a waste of space.

Saturday finally arrives with a gust of autumn wind.

Rainne puts on some red and golden clothes and heads for the Great Hall. She makes sure she is a tad late so that she won't have to pretend to eat breakfast.

The Marauders are leaving just as she arrives.

"Finally!" Ben exclaims, "What took you so long?"

"Overslept," Rainne says. She meets up with them and turns around to leave with them.

"Aren't you going to eat breakfast?" Sirius asks her.

"I-I'll go to the ki-kitchens later," Rainne lies. Sirius eyes her then shrugs it off.

James, Sirius, and Ben stop in the hallway.

"We're going to meet up with the rest of the team before we go on the field," says James.

"Okay," says Rainne. She hugs Ben and the three of them walk towards an empty classroom.

"Good luck!" Rainne calls after them. Ben grins and waves goodbye.

"So," says Remus, "Wanna go snag some front row seats?"

Rainne nods.

The two walk to the field as Remus explains the rules of the sport.

"So James is the... chaser?" Rainne says as they exit the doors of the castle. Remus nods.

"He tries to score on the other team," Remus says.

Rainne nods. The sharp movement makes her dizzy. She steadies herself by putting her hand on the stone wall

"Are you okay?" Remus asks. She nods, this time more slowly.

"Yeah, just... all this thinking is making the b-blood rush to my h-head. Q-quidditch is hard!"

Remus laughs, still eyeing Rainne. She feels faint.

She grabs Remus's arm.

"You sure you're okay?"

Rainne nods once more.

Then, all of a sudden, she can't hear. All sound is gone. Her vision follows suit and everything fades into darkness. Her head hits the grass with a thud.

Remus watches as Rainne faints.

"Shit," he mutters. He levitates her and takes her to the hospital wing.

He has a feeling she hasn't been visiting the kitchens lately.

Rainne's eyes flutter open.

"Madame Pomfrey!" a familiar voice calls, "She's awake!"

The young nurse bustles over, peering into Rainne's view of the ceiling.

Why is she in the hospital wing? How did she get here?

"Hello, dear," Pomfrey says, "How are you feeling?"

Rainne sits up, rubbing the back of her head.

"My head hurts," she says. Pomfrey hands her a glass with a clear, green liquid. She drinks it and the pain in her head clears.

"Mr. Lupin here tells me you fainted," Pomfrey says, "When was the last time you ate?" she asks seriously.

Rainne's heart stops.

"I... uhm," she counts the days in her head, looking back and forth between Remus and the nurse, "Er... T-tuesday."

"Tuesday?!" Pomfrey exclaims. Rainne nods, afraid of what the nurse will do, "You need to eat more, dear. You are already so thin!"

Rainne frowns. There is no need to lie, she knows she clearly looks like a sack of potatoes!

Pomfrey looks at Remus.

"Mr. Lupin," she says, "Please watch Miss Pemberton closely. Make sure she eats! As for you, dear, I am giving you a strengthening potion," Pomfrey summons another glass and, without warning, shoves the warm liquid down Rainne's throat.

"Promise me you will eat," she says.

Rainne nods. Pomfrey looks at her then flusters back into her office.

"You are free to leave when you feel ready!" she calls.

Rainne looks at Remus. He is frowning.

"Please don't tell Ben," she pleads.

"I will if I see you're not eating enough," he says.

Rainne nods.

She will just have to go back to purging.

Rainne thanks Madame Pomfrey and she follows Remus to the common room.

She is ashamed. Ashamed because she couldn't come up with a lie quickly enough. Ashamed because she missed the match.

"What are we going to tell Ben?" she asks Remus when they reach the Fat Lady.

"I don't know," he says. He doesn't care.

"I... I'll just say I had the st-stomach flu."

"Okay."

Remus is angry at her. She is so smart, he thinks, how could she be doing this to herself?

They enter the common room. Students run around, cheering, jumping, singing.

"Rainne! Remus!" Ben calls from the center of the room, "Where have you been?"

Rainne tries to speak, but her voice is too quiet and the crowd too loud.

Ben leads Rainne to a corner where they can talk.

Remus congratulates his friends on the win and heads upstairs to his dorm. If there is one thing he hates, it is smart people doing stupid things.

Ben forgives Rainne. She tells him that she isn't feeling very well and heads to her dorm after congratulating the team.

She kneels over her toilet and tickles her throat with her fingers. She is not going to let anyone get in the way of her being thin


	7. Nuclear Seasons

Suggested Track

_Now I'm facing this on my own_

_'cause you tasted the blast and it shook your bones_

_I'm a warrior all alone, in the field of lies, I won't go home_

_Nuclear Seasons - Charli XCX_

Rainne sits at Gryffindor table, eating more than usual. She pretends she doesn't notice Remus eyeing her. She is way too excited.

It's been a week since her visit to the Hospital Wing. She has been eating a lot, but never lets it digest.

Floating pumpkins and candles decorate the Great Hall. Rainne looks up to admire the sunny morning sky on the ceiling. Halloween is only a week away.

Everyone is talking about what they plan on wearing. Rainne doesn't really know what she'll dress up as, but she doesn't really care.

As long as she gets to be someone other than herself.

She considers asking her grandmother for an old flapper's dress when the evening post arrives. Her usual school owl drops a letter in front of her.

Rainne cheerfully opens the envelope, but as she reads the words in front of her, her smile fades. Tears stream down her face and she runs out of the Great Hall, letter in hand.

Ben looks after her, then looks back to his friends.

"Does anyone know what just happened?" everyone shakes their head.

He runs after her.

When he enters the hallway, it is empty. He looks around. Rainne's sobs can be heard from here. He follows the sound and finds her sitting at the foot of the stairs.

She wails violently, gasping for air, her grief impossible to control.

"No!" she screams, "No!"

Ben picks up the wrinkled letter and reads it.

_My dearest Rainne,_

_I don't know how to tell you this. I still haven't come to terms with it myself._

_Thursday night, your grandmother had a heart attack. She was admitted to the hospital, but later that night_

The ink is smeared. The words have been scribbled over several times. Ben can't read the end of the sentence.

_She is no longer with us._

_The funeral will be on Tuesday. If you cannot make it, I understand. But I would greatly appreciate you being here. Please respond as soon as you know._

_All my love,_

_Grandpa_

Ben drops the letter and runs to Rainne's side. He tries to hold her, but she screams, violently hitting his chest.

"Shhh," he says, hugging her tightly. Her arms go limp against his chest and she lets him embrace her.

Her sobs slowly fade into quiet whimpers as he sits there, rocking her.

How could this be real life? Why is everyone she loves being taken from her?

She looks up at Ben through teary eyes. He looks down at her, wanting nothing more than to see her smile.

"Rainne..." he says. She shakes her head, looking down at her feet. He pulls her closer and she leans her head against his chest.

Ben strokes her hair. She pulls away, looking up at him again.

"Ben," she says, "Thank you."

He looks at her lips as she speaks. They are pink and wet with her tears. He wipes one from her cheek, holding her face in his hands.

Rainne looks up at him, her heart racing. His eyes are back on her lips. She licks them self-consciously.

"Rainne," he says softly, "Can I kiss you?"

He looks into her eyes. She nods slowly and he closes the gap between them.

The kiss is salty and wet with her tears. Rainne doesn't know what to do with her hands. She doesn't know if she's kissing him right, or if her head is turned the way it should be.

When he holds her face in both hands all her thoughts fade away. He is like a drug. A drug that numbs her thoughts. She puts her hands on the back of his head and pulls him closer, deepening the kiss. Her hearts slows down. His lips have a calming effect on her.

He pulls away, panting.

"Rainne," he breathes.

She looks down and puts her hands in her lap so she has something to look at.

Ben looks at the letter, still crumpled up on the floor.

"Do you want me to go with you on Tuesday?" he asks. She shakes her head.

What has she done? She had one friend, and now she's gone and ruined it.

Everything seems to be falling apart around her.

Her breathing becomes heavy.

"I. Need. Air." she croaks. She gets up, grabbing the letter, and runs outside.

She swallows the fresh oxygen.

Ben follows her outside. He doesn't know what to do.

"Are you okay?" he asks. Rainne nods.

"I'm going to class," she says, walking past him. This time, he doesn't follow her. He has a feeling she doesn't want to be around him.

"So, you kissed her?" James says. Ben nods.

The Marauders sit in their dorm, their stomachs full after dinner.

Rainne hasn't spoken to Ben since that morning. He has come to his friends for help.

"What did she do?" asks Sirius.

"She kissed me back."

"Did she pull away?" asks James.

"No."

"So she wanted to kiss you?" asks Remus.

"Yeah, I mean, I think so."

"So what's the problem?" asks James.

"I don't know!" Ben exclaims. They aren't helping, "Hell, it hasn't even been six months since her parents died and now her grandma's gone, too! She's going through a lot of shit right now and I've gone and kissed her..."

"That is pretty bad timing," Sirius says. Ben glares at him.

"What the fuck do I do?" Ben asks.

There is a quick pause as they think.

"Give her until Wednesday," Remus says, "Let her go to the funeral. She needs closure. Then she'll start worrying about you."

Ben nods.

"Wednesday," he says, "Okay."

**author's note: sorry for the delay, i was super busy yesterday. since i missed i day i will be posting the next chapter as well. thanks for reading :)**


	8. Shelter

Suggested Track

_Could I be, was I there?_

_It felt so crystal in the air_

_I still want to drown, whenever you leave_

_Please teach me gently, how to breathe_

_Shelter - The Xx_

Rainne sits alone in Dumbledore's office Monday night.

It has been two days since she read the letter.

It has been two days since she kissed her best friend.

She pushes the thought of him out of her mind.

The headmaster walks in, gliding past her to sit behind his desk. He looks at her from behind his glasses, his blue eyes filled with empathy.

"Miss Pemberton," he says, "I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I have arranged for a Portkey to take you to your home. I am giving you the rest of the week off. You may come back on Sunday at the latest. And owl will be at your home waiting for you. When you are ready to come back, you need just send me a letter and I will apparate to your home and bring you back."

Rainne is overwhelmed with all of this information. She nods meekly.

"I think I'll come back on Wednesday, sir. Wednesday night."

She is surprised at the steadiness of her voice.

Dumbledore nods.

"Now that that is taken care of," he says, "I would like to offer you my sincerest condolences. I understand you have had many losses recently. I want you to know that if you need anything you can come to me."

She nods again. This feels rehearsed to her. Forced. She wants to go back to her bed and sleep forever.

"Anything else, sir?" He shakes his head.

"Remember," he says as she leaves his office, "If you need anything..." the door shuts behind her.

Rainne just wants her life to be over. She wants to pull the blue tulle ribbon and lift the hot pink lid.

No.

If she starts, she might never stop.

Ben and Sirius sit in the common room playing wizard's chess.

"Check," Sirius says. Ben moves a pawn, "No, you're still in check," Sirius says. Ben isn't paying attention.

Sirius rolls his eyes and puts the pawn back, moving a knight between his queen and Ben's king. The queen pummels the knight.

"Check," he says again. Ben sighs. Sirius rolls his eyes again in defeat.

Just then, Rainne walks into the common room. Ben looks up, hoping she'll look at him, say something to him, acknowledge him, anything! But she merely stares at the floor and walks up the stair to her room.

"Padfoot," Ben says, "You have to go check on her. Make sure she's okay."

Sirius stares at him.

"How do you expect me to manage that?"

This time, Ben rolls his eyes.

"Oh, I don't know, Padfoot."

Sirius's widen in understanding.

"Ohh... Right. Do I have to?" Ben nods, "_Fine_."

Sirius walks up the boy's stairs, coming back down in the form of a black dog, and following Rainne into her room.

Rainne sits on her bed in her empty dorm. She stares at the wall. For once, her mind is silent. It doesn't what to say.

She thinks about lighting a cigarette when a black dog walks into the dorm, wagging its tail. Her head snaps and she looks over at it. She smiles.

"Hey, puppy," she says, "Are you lost?"

The dog walks over to her and sits at her feet.

"Aren't you just gorgeous," she says, petting its head. Its eyes close with pleasure, its tail wagging.

"I used to have a dog just like you," Rainne says, "His name was Tank."

She pauses for a moment.

"He died in January, the day after I came back to school," the dog's tail hits the floor with a thud, remaining still. Tears fall silently down Rainne's face while she stares at the same wall, her hand still on the dog, "Then my parents died in May. They were hit by a semi. Nobody knows this, but I was in the car with them. The cabin of the semi truck peeled off and the metal cut off their heads. I was laying down in the back so it missed me. Their heads fell on me."

She is still staring at the wall, her hand slowly stroking the dog's head. Suddenly, she looks at it.

"I've never told anyone that," she says, blinking away her remaining tears, "It's a good think you can't talk," her smile returns and she starts rubbing its head with both hands, speaking in a baby voice, "You won't tell anyone will you? No you won't! Oh, no you won't!"

The dog jumps on her bed and begins licking her. She giggles and continues to pet him.

For a moment she thinks it's Tank. She feels like it's last October, and everyone she holds dear is still alive. She'll be going home for Christmas to see her parents soon. Her grandmother will cook her best meals while Rainne plays chess with her grandpa.

In that moment, she feels pure joy.

Sirius walks up the stairs to his dorm, his tail limp.

Ben is waiting on his bed.

"What did she say?" Ben asks as Sirius returns to his human form.

"She kind of poured her heart out to me," Ben's eyes widen, "I guess she used to have a dog like me."

Ben nods.

"Don't tell me what she said."

Sirius nods.

"I just want her to trust me," Ben says sadly. Sirius doesn't know what to do. He has never seen Ben like this.

"Just one more day, man," he says.

Ben nods.

Rainne tosses and turns. She can't sleep. Memories of everyone she misses run through her head. They mix together until they all feel like one strange memory.

She gives up on sleeping and gets up, stumbling down the stairs and into the common room. It's empty. She sits on the couch and stares at the fire.

What would happen if she put her hand in?

Would anyone care if she, too, died?

She shakes her head. Now is not the time to think this way.

Her grandmother would be so disappointed in her.

Rainne starts to cry again, a daily ritual, it seems. She falls asleep on the couch, dreaming of the days that were.

**author's note: i know this chapter is short, but i just wanted to have one chapter that kind of revealed everything. i know it's harsh, but rainne is really messed up and, well, this is why.**

**also, i've put up a playlist for this story. it's on grooveshark.**

** /#!/playlist/Beneath/88492493**

**thanks for reading!**


	9. I'll Never Forget You

Suggested Track

_He asked me for a favor_

_Asked me a question_

_Asked me to make an exception_

_I'll Never Forget You - Birdy (Orginially by Francis and the Lights)_

Rainne walks up to Gryffindor tower Wednesday night. She feels like a zombie. Her brain is dead, it has been silent for days.

Her grandmother's passing was the last straw. Her mind can't seem to process it.

She doesn't want to think about the funeral. All the tears, the quiet 'I'm sorry for your loss'es, the flowers, the cloudy sky. It's too much.

"Morning mist," she says. The Fat Lady swings open and Rainne drags her feet into the common room.

"Rainne," she hears someone say. Ben looks up at her from the couch. He has been waiting for her.

"Ben," she says, sitting beside him. Suddenly, her mind is buzzing with thoughts. Now it won't shut up.

She's not ready for this.

She wants to tell him how sorry she is for ignoring him. How stupid she feels for kissing him back, for thinking it wouldn't ruin their friendship.

She says none of this, staring at him.

They sit in silence. He bites his lip while she twirls a loose thread on the hem of her skirt, avoiding his gaze.

"How are you?" he finally asks.

"It was tough," she says, her head still bowed down, "I had never seen my grandpa cry before."

Ben looks at her.

"You know I'm here for you, Rainne. That kiss hasn't changed how much I care about you," she winces. She doesn't believe him. "I..." he says, "Did you want to kiss me?"

She thinks about it, finally looking up at him. She nods slowly.

"But I don't want to ruin our friendship," she says, "You're the only friend I've ever had and I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't go back to being all alone..."

"But what if it didn't ruin our friendship?" Ben says, "What if you don't have to go back to being alone?"

"Ben-," Rainne tries to say.

"No," he interrupts, "Think about it. Ever since that kiss I haven't stopped thinking about you, Rainne. I can't go back to the way we were. It would be too painful."

Rainne looks at him.

"What are you trying to say?" she asks, unsure of herself.

"Give me one chance," he says, "Go to Hogsmeade with me this Saturday. If you don't feel the same way, I'll drop it. We'll be best friends and I'll forget this whole thing ever happened."

"Ben, I don't know-"

"Please, Rainne. Just one chance," he begs.

She looks into his pleading eyes. What if she doesn't reciprocate his feelings? What if he's lying? What if he can't go back to being just friends?

_What if he's just bored?_ whispers anxiety.

But what if it works out?

"Okay," she concedes.

"Yes!" Ben exclaims, "I won't let you down, I promise."

He kisses her cheek and runs up the stairs, cheering loudly.

Rainne smiles and makes her way up the girls' stairs. When she opens the door, her three roommates fall onto the landing, tripping over each other. They aren't even embarrassed.

"What was all that yelling?" asks Carmen without skipping a beat.

"It sounded like my dad when his favorite football team scores," says Lily.

"Yeah," says Marlene, "Wait, what? What's football?"

Lily laughs and looks at Rainne, waiting for her to respond.

"Oh," Rainne says quietly, "That was B-ben."

"Ooh!" says Carmen, wide eyed, "Did he ask you out?"

The girls stare at her.

"H-how did you kn-know?" asks Rainne.

Carmen shrugs.

"I heard the guys talking about it," she says.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily asks, "Wait, what did you say?!" she looks at Rainne.

Rainne blushes.

"Y-yes."

This time, Lily is the one cheering.

"Yay! Oh my gosh, you guys are going to be so cute!"

Rainne stares at her, suddenly self conscious. Marlene laughs and turns around, going back into the room. The girls follow her.

"Do you know what you're going to wear?" asks Carmen as the girls sit on their beds. Rainne shakes her head, standing beside her bed.

She shuts the curtains around herself to change. The girls exchange a look before the curtains slide open again.

"Rainne?" Lily says quietly. Rainne looks at her, "Do you want us to help you get ready for your date?"

Rainne lets a small smile form on her lips and nods shyly. The girls grin.

"I can't wait," says Carmen, "I love playing dress up!" She sighs happily and falls backwards onto her bed.

"Goodnight, girls," says Marlene as she flicks the lights off with her wand.

They all reply, Rainne the quietest of all.

Lily smiles into her pillow before falling asleep.


	10. Girls

Suggested Track

_Is there any possibility_

_You'll quit gossiping about me_

_To hide your insecurities_

_All you say is "blah, blah"_

_Girls - Marina & the Diamonds_

Marlene, Carmen, Lily, and Rainne leave their dorm together Thursday morning. The three outspoken girls discuss their outfits for Saturday night as they arrive at the Gryffindor table. The Marauders are already eating. James grins upon seeing Lily; Ben does the same upon seeing Rainne. Lily scowls at James while Rainne smiles at Ben.

Everyone starts talking about their plans for Halloween.

"So, Rainne," Ben says over the chatter, "I was thinking about what we could do on Saturday. Do you have any ideas?" Rainne shakes her head. She no longer needs to visit the bookstore, "Well, I was thinking we could go to the costume party at the Witch's Wart. Have you heard of it?" Rainne shakes her head again, "It's a club at the other end of Hogsmeade. We could meet there, if you'd like?"

Rainne smiles and nods as Lily joins the conversation, looking away from Carmen and Marlene.

"The girls and I were going to walk around the town and then head over to the costume party," she says, "Would you like to come, Rainne?"

Rainne looks at Lily, unsure of what to say.

For some reason, she is reminded of her grandmother. That lady was a true social butterfly, she never declined an invitation to any event. She had many friends, something Rainne has always admired.

Rainne nods, inspired by her grandmother.

"Yeah," she says, "I'd li-like that."

Lily smiles.

Remus, who has been watching Rainne closely, speaks up.

"Rainne," he says, "Aren't you hungry?" he looks at her pointedly.

Rainne frowns, grabbing a plain piece of toast and taking a small bite.

Ben looks at Remus strangely.

"What the hell, man?" he whispers.

Remus gives Ben a look that tells him he'll explain later.

Rainne's frown deepens. She stands up, toast in hand.

"I'm going to c-class," she says, "I h-have to talk to F-flitwick."

She leaves the Great Hall, throwing her toast in the first trash can she sees. She goes outside and lights a cigarette, trying to calm down.

Ben turns to glare at Remus.

"Dude!" he says angrily.

"Ben," says Remus calmly, "Haven't you noticed that Rainne is... very thin?"

Ben glares at him.

"Don't suggest stuff like that, Moony. Rainne's going through a hard time. I wouldn't be very hungry if I were her either. Stop judging her."

Remus sighs, dropping the subject. He hopes Ben will notice before it's too late.

Soon, they all leave for class.

Lily thinks about what Remus said. What if there is some truth to his words? She realizes she has rarely seen Rainne eat.

She decides to watch Rainne more closely.

Carmen and Ben sit beside each other in Potions. They work on an Alihosy Draught.

"No, Carmen!" Ben says, laughing, "You put too many fairy wings in, it's not supposed to be purple!"

Carmen stares at her cauldron, laughing.

"Oops," she says.

Rainne and Remus speak quietly across the room.

"What the hell, Remus?" says Rainne. Her stammer has been replaced by anger venom dripping from her every word.

"I told you I was going to make sure you ate," says Remus calmly. He adds bat spleen to his cauldron.

"What, I can't have a conversation before starting my breakfast?"

"Well," says Remus matter-of-factly, "You weren't really talking."

Rainne glares at him. She is breathing heavily through her nose, her jaw clenched.

"How dare you?" she says through her teeth. She clenches her fist and what was once and ashwinder egg becomes dust, falling through her fingers.

Remus remains calm as ever.

"I would rather you be angry at me than let you starve yourself," he says, "What you're doing isn't healthy, Rainne."

"I know perfectly well what I'm doing, thanks," she says.

"I don't think you do," Remus responds, looking at her sadly. He reminds her of her doctor and the way his words were always so condescending.

"Since when is this any of your business? I'm not your _fucking_ problem," Rainne bites, keeping her voice low.

Remus sighs.

"Even if you don't like me, Ben likes you. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself like that. It would kill him if something happened to you."

"You don't know me, Lupin."

Remus sighs again.

"You're not going to convince me otherwise. I'm sorry, Rainne. If I don't think you're eating enough, I'll tell Ben."

"Gaah!" Rainne yells, exasperated.

Students turn to look at her, surprised by her sudden outburst. She smiles awkwardly, pointing at her potion as if to say that is the reason for her anger. They nod in understanding and look back to their own cauldrons. Rainne ignores her partner for the remainder of the period.

Carmen and Ben discuss the costume party.

"Does Rainne know what she's going to go as?" Ben asks. Carmen shakes her head, "What about you?"

Carmen laughs.

"I'm going to go as a witch. Like, how muggles see witches," Ben laughs as well, "What are you dressing up as?" Carmen asks him.

"The guys and I are all gonna go as quidditch players. Simple," he says. Carmen gasps, "What?" Ben asks.

"I know what Rainne is going to go as," she says, giddy. She hops up and down in her seat, excited.

"What?" Ben repeats.

Carmen shakes her head, "Not telling!" she taunts.

Ben shakes his head as well, smirking, "It better be good!"

"Oh, it will be!" says Carmen, laughing.

"Carmen, your potion!" exclaims Ben, "I think you burnt it!"

Carmen laughs louder when she sees her potion.

"I'm a lost cause," she says.

They both laugh and continue to work.

"It's_ perfect_!" Lily gasps after Carmen shares her idea.

"I know, right?" says Carmen, "I'm a genius."

"I have wings from last year when I was an angel," says Marlene.

Carmen grins. She looks at Rainne and her smile fades. Rainne sits on her bed, glaring at the floor.

"What's wrong, Rainne?" asks Lily.

"Do you not like my idea?" Carmen asks.

Rainne looks up at them.

"Wh-what?" she says, "No, I l-like it. Remus j-just pissed me off."

"Oh," Marlene frowns, "Yeah, that was pretty rude this morning."

Rainne nods, then smiles, thinking about her upcoming date with Ben. She hopes he will kiss her again. At the thought of her lips touching his, her heart races.

"I'm n-not going to l-let him ruin H-halloween," Rainne says, smiling.

The girls grin.

"That's the spirit!" Carmen says, "Fuck Remus Lupin!" she starts chanting, and Lily joins her.

"Fuck Remus Lupin! Fuck Remus Lupin!" soon, all four girls are chanting and parading around the room.

Rainne grins.

Is that what it's like to have friends?

She hopes it is. She likes the way this feels.

**author's note: surprise surprise! thought i'd give you guys a treat and sneak in another chapter before sunday. let me know what you guys think. thanks for reading!**


	11. Prom Song (Part I)

_Boy, it's late, walk me home, put your hand in mine_

_At the gate, stop and say, "Be my valentine"_

_You are, by far, the brightest star I've ever seen_

_And I never dreamed I'd be so happy that I could die_

_Prom Song (Gone Wrong) - Lana del Rey_

Rainne wakes up Saturday morning with her heart beating through her chest. Today is the day.

Why is she so nervous?

All she can think about is the feeling Ben's lips provide. That feeling of pure and utter joy.

She jumps out of bed and hurries into the shower. For the first time in her life, she cares about how she smells. She looks at the large soap and shampoo collection her roommates have, debating whether or not she should use it. She opts for Lily's cinnamon scent, hoping she doesn't mind.

As she showers, the girls wake up one by one. They yawn and put their hair up in messy buns. Nobody wants to leave the dorm.

Rainne exits the bathroom wrapped in a towel, her hair dripping onto her shoulders. The girls greet her with smiles.

"L-Lily," she says, "I u-used your cin-nnamon-."

Lily jumps up.

"Don't worry! My cousin sells scented beauty products for a muggle company and sends me _loads_ of stuff," she says excitedly, "I could have her send you some if you'd like?"

Rainne smiles and nods.

"Yeah," she says quietly. Lily grins.

"Guys," says Carmen in her deep, raspy morning voice, "Can we have breakfast in here?"

Marlene nods, "I really don't look presentable enough to be seen in public," she says.

Lily looks at Rainne, who shrugs. It's not like she plans on eating, anyway.

They summon a house elf and soon the room is filled with delicious pastries. The scent flows into Rainne's nostrils and she feels her self control waning.

Lily offers her a roll.

"Oh my gosh, you have got to try this, Rainne," she says.

Rainne shakes her head, trying to hide her disgust.

"I... I h-had breakfast b-before I sh-showered," she lies.

Lily eyes her, dropping the subject - for now.

When the girls are done eating, they lay on their backs, rubbing their bloated stomachs. Rainne tries not to grimace.

"That was _heavenly_," says Marlene. Carmen and Lily nod in agreement.

Suddenly, Lily sits up.

"My cousin sent me these spa treatments last week," she runs to her trunk, pulling out creams and moisturizers, "We should have a spa day!"

The girls agree and have a much needed relaxation day, enchanting the spa treatments to do everything themselves and gossiping about who they think will wear the most revealing costumes.

"Where are the girls?" asks James, looking around the Great Hall. Ben looks around as well.

Sirius shrugs.

"Who cares?" he says, "We'll see them tonight at the party."

Ben and James nod, still slightly upset.

"Did you guys see the notice in the common room?" asks Remus. His friends shake their heads, "Curfew for Halloween this year is eleven."

"What?!" exclaims James.

"Last year it was two in the morning!" whines Ben.

"It said something about late night Death Eater attacks," says Remus.

Sirius scoffs.

"Fuck curfew. The party starts at ten, there is no way I am coming back at eleven."

Ben and James nod in agreement.

"As long as we don't get caught," says Remus, "It said we'll get detention until New Year if we skip out."

James rolls his eyes.

"When has detention ever stopped us?" he says. They all laugh and discuss Halloween pranks.

The sixth year Gryffindor girls bustle around their room as they get ready.

Carmen wears a long, skin tight black dress and a muggle witch's hat. She teases her blonde hair in the bathroom. Marlene casts spells at an old gown, making it sparkle. Glitter dust falls off whenever it moves, fading into the air. She is dressing up as a charm.

Rainne sits with Lily on her bed, waiting for the girls to be ready. They are all loaning her different parts of her costume. She doesn't know how she'll ever return the favor. Lily stares at nothing.

"Wh-what's your costume?" Rainne asks her.

"I don't know," sighs Lily, "I can't think of anything."

Rainne grins, going to the trunk at the foot of her bed.

"I was g-going to wear this," she says, taking out a dress and hanging it to Lily. Lily takes it, admiring it in awe, "It's my grandmother's o-old flapper's dress," Rainne adds.

Lily gasps, looking up at her.

"Rainne, I couldn't..." she says.

"Please," insists Rainne,"S-someone should wear it. It's t-too beautiful to sit in my t-trunk."

Lily nods, still admiring the dress.

"Thank you," she says. Rainne shrugs it off, still smiling.

"Okay," says Carmen, leaving the bathroom, "I'm ready for you, Rainne!"

She opens her closet, grabbing a strapless gold sequin dress with a sweetheart neckline. She tosses it at Rainne.

"Put this on," she says.

"Wait!" says Marlene. She hands Rainne a pair of white feathered wings, "This too!"

Rainne goes into the bathroom, putting on the disguise. She admires it in the mirror, surprised at how perfectly it fits. She tries not to look at her own features, instead admiring the dress. When she re-enters the bedroom, the girls gasp. They hurry over to her.

"I'm going to put your hair up with little braids..." starts Marlene.

"...You need gold eye shadow, and fake eyelashes..." continues Carmen.

"...And little feathers in your hair!" adds Lily.

They fuss over her, smearing lipstick and tugging at her hair. Rainne giggles, overwhelmed by all the attention.

Yes, she definitely likes having friends.

After snacking on leftover pastries for lunch instead of going to the Great Hall, the girls are nearly ready. They add finishing touches to their lipstick and walk through perfume mist. Ignoring the girls' protests, Rainne's arm is still covered in bracelets. She adjusts them nervously.

"Rainne, do you want to borrow my cinnamon lip balm?" Lily holds out a thin tube of chapstick to Rainne, who takes it and applies it to her bright red lips.

"Thank you!" her stammer is slowly fading away. She is starting to feel comfortable around her roommates.

"Gotta keep those lips kissable," says Lily, winking. Rainne blushes.

"Do you think you're going to kiss Ben?" asks Carmen.

"I don't kn-know, last time-,"

"Last time?" asks Marlene, "What do you mean last time?"

Rainne's eyes widen.

"Uhm, well. When I -when I got the l-letter about my grandma," Rainne fumbles over her words "and I was, you know, I was crying, well, h-he asked me if he could, you know, if he could k-kiss me. And I -I said yes."

The girls smile.

"That is the cutest thing I've ever heard," says Lily.

"He asked you if he could kiss you?" asks Marlene, in a kind of trance, no doubt imagining someone doing that for her.

"I wish guys did that with me," complains Carmen, "They just shove their tongues down my throat without warning."

"Yeah, but you're a slut," laughs Lily.

Carmen laughs.

"Shut up, you're not supposed to acknowledge it!"

The girls laugh. Lily checks her watch.

"It's almost eight, wanna head out?" everyone nods and leaves the room.

The Marauders sit in a booth at the Three Broomsticks, sipping on butterbeer.

"You excited for your date with Rainne?" asks Remus. Ben nods, his right knee shaking.

"Nervous, much?" laughs Sirius, who sits beside him. Ben sheepishly puts his hand on his knee to keep it still.

"I just don't wanna mess this up," he says.

"I know what you mean," says James, "I mess it up with Lily pretty much every time I open my mouth."

Ben laughs, "I wonder what her costume is," he says.

"A sexy cat," says Sirius.

"A sexy nurse," laughs James.

"A sexy quidditch player," adds Remus.

"A sexy devil."

"A sexy pirate!"

"A sexy waitress!"

"A sexy school girl!"

"A sexy vampire!"

"Okay, okay, enough," says Ben, laughing, "I doubt she's going to be any of those things."

"She better not," says Sirius, "I have vowed to snog any girl wearing a costume with the word sexy in front of it." Ben smacks him upside the head, "Ow!"

"You are such a whore," says James.

"Whatever, you're just jealous," says Sirius, feigning hurt.

"You're going to be the jealous one when Lily agrees to marry me!"

"Woah, slow down there, big boy, she hasn't even agreed to go on a date with you yet," laughs Sirius.

"Exactly, yet," says James.

Ben notices customers leaving the pub.

"Hey, I think it's time for us to head over to the club, looks like the party is gonna start soon."

They drop a few coins on the wooden table and leave the pub.

The girls walk down a side street in Hogsmeade, talking and laughing. Rainne is only half paying attention, thinking of everything that could go wrong tonight. She lights a cigarette and takes a hit, calming herself down. Lily snatches the cigarette and stomps on it with her foot while Rainne stares at her wide eyed.

"You do not want cigarette breath, there is no way Ben is kissing you with that dirty mouth!" she says. She grabs mouth spray from her purse -cinnamon, of course -and holds it up to Rainne's mouth, "Open!" she commands. Rainne obeys, blinking rapidly as Lily sprays her tongue repeatedly.

Rainne cringes.

"Ahh, that tastes like chemicals," she complains.

"But it smells delicious," says Lily.

Rainne sticks out her tongue in disgust, trying to get the taste to go away while Carmen and Marlene laugh at her. She glares at them.

"I think he would want to k-kiss me more if it tasted like fags."

"You are not smoking a cancer stick," says Lily, "Not tonight."

Rainne sighs in defeat as they arrive to the club. It is a small building at the edge of a forest, ending the last street in Hogsmeade. A green nose with a purple wart on it flashes above the door, _Witch's Wart_ flashing below it in magenta. The party has barely started, but the building is already vibrating with music. They enter and, after leaving their coats and purses at the door, begin to dance together in the center of the room. Rainne doesn't care whether or not Ben shows up because right now she is having the time of her life.

She dances to the rhythm of the music, laughing along with her friends as they share stupid dance moves. Rainne's wings flutter slightly as she dances, making her feel like she's flying. Suddenly, Lily looks behind her and grins, ushering the girls away. Rainne feels a pair of hands slide onto her hips and turns around quickly. Ben grins and kisses her on the cheek. He tries to shout something, but she can't hear it. She points to the door and they go outside.

"What did you say?!" she yells, her ears deafened by the loud speakers. Ben laughs, "I just yelled that, didn't I?" she says sheepishly.

He nods and pulls her closer to whisper in her ear.

"I said you look beautiful," he says. She blushes, a shiver running down her spine at the feeling of his hot breath on her ear, "What are you?" he asks.

"A golden snitch," she says quietly.

Ben grins.

"Very fitting," he says, "I'm a seeker, you know."

She nods, smiling. He winks at her and they go back inside.

When Rainne and Ben reenter, Rainne stops to take it all in. She's glad she can call this group of people her friends.

She sees James dancing over to Lily and laughs. Lily turns around and smacks him in the head, walking off with her head held high. Ben chuckles and grabs Rainne's hand, pulling her into the sweaty crowd.

As Rainne and Ben dance, Rainne thinks to herself, life is looking up. Maybe things are really getting better.

Rainne looks around. She remembers what Remus said about her eating habits, and searches the crowd for him, but he is distracted by a seventh year Ravenclaw in a revealing cat costume. Sirius leans against the damp stone wall, taking a sip of his drink. Rainne notices he looks sad and wonders how all those rumors about him being a womanizer got started up. She watches him, empathizing with him.

Suddenly, he looks up and their eyes meet. Rainne is caught off guard, she feels as if he knew she was looking at him. His piercing eyes seem to look into her soul. She quickly averts her gaze, searching the dance floor for more familiar faces.

The song changes and the thick air fills with girly screams. Apparently, this is everyone's song. Lily finds Carmen, Marlene, and Rainne. The girls form a group in the center of the dance floor and show off their best moves. The guys join in and soon they're all laughing and dancing. Lily even smiles at James; she's having too much fun to be angry with him right now. Ben squeezes his way through the group to dance closer to Rainne. She looks up at him and smiles as they both move to the beat.

This is the happiest she has felt in a long time.


	12. Prom Song (Part II)

_Let me take you out of this town,_

_Let me do it right now, baby._

_Dancing till dark, staying forever young_

_Prom Song (Gone Wrong) - Lana del Rey_

The music slows down and Rainne's heart accelerates. Ben pulls her closer and puts his hands around her waist. She leans her head on his shoulder and they sway to the beat.

Rainne looks around, watching her friends. Sirius leads a girl outside, holding her hand. Marlenne and Carmen slow dance together, talking and laughing. Rainne's eyes widen when she sees Lily dancing with James. James is grinning from ear to ear while Lily leans her head on his chest with her eyes closed. She seems happy.

Rainne, too, closes her eyes and takes in the moment. Her wings flutter slightly, and she feels like she's flying again.

"This is nice," she says quietly.

Ben smiles and traces circles on her hip with his thumb.

She looks up at him, feeling as if her heart is about to explode.

Ben leans into her capturing her lips with his, and Rainne feels ecstatic. The music pumps through her veins and her heart beats in time with the music and she could die right now and be happy.

He pulls away, licking his lips.

"Tastes like... cinnamon," he says. She blushes, "I like it."

He grins and kisses her again.

"Get some, Rainne!" calls Carmen, whistling.

Rainne giggles, smiling into Ben's lips.

Suddenly, the music stops. The lights are turned on. Rainne pulls away, looking around.

"Hey, turn the music back on!" someone yells.

That's when they enter.

The tall, cloaked figures glide into the building, looking down on everyone. It seems endless, there must be at least thirty of them.

"Surrender the mudbloods and nobody gets hurt," says the one at the front.

Everyone is silent for a moment, looking around.

Then James breaks the silence.

"NEVER!" he bellows, standing in front of Lily. He throws hexes and curses at the Death Eaters.

Everything turns into chaos. People scream, running for their lives, stepping over each other.

Ben runs to join James.

"Get out of here!" he says to Rainne. But she refuses, pulling out her own wand and pointing it at one of the cloaked figures.

"Filthy mudblood!" says a Death Eater, "CRUCIO!" she points her wand at Rainne, but she dodges the curse by mere centimeters, jumping behind a column. When she looks up, Ben has disappeared.

"Ben!" she cries, daring to peak her head out, "Ben, where are you?!"

She watches her roommates run outside. Lily looks at Rainne, begging her to join them, but she shakes her head.

"Be careful!" Lily calls as she leads the girls outside.

Rainne nods and looks back to the Death Eaters, shooting hexes at them.

Suddenly, they begin to yell. Rainne hears a growl and turns to see what made the noise.

She gasps.

A large, black, jaguar shows its teeth, snarling at them.

"_What the hell_?" Rainne mutters.

The Death Eaters start sending hexes its way, but James seems to be protecting it.

Without warning, Rainne is pulled behind the column.

"What are you doing?" asks Sirius, "We need to get out of here!"

"No!" says Rainne, "Not without Ben."

"Don't worry about Ben, he's_ fine_, now_ let's go_!" Sirius says. He grabs her hand, but she snatches it away. She feels as if he's shocked her. He looks at her strangely and grabs it again, dragging her out despite her complaints. He sends curses flying behind them as they run outside.

When they exit the building, the cold air bites at Rainne's bare arms. She shivers.

"Where is everybody?" she says. She realizes that, despite not knowing Sirius, she hasn't stuttered or stammered when speaking to him. She stares at him. She has never felt comfortable with someone that easily.

"What?" he says. She shakes her head, "Come on, we need to find the others," he grabs her hand once more and pulls her into the forest.

They sit behind a tree a few feet into the thick woods, panting.

"Shh," says Sirius. They slow their breathing and listen.

Owls hoot, crickets chirp. Rainne doesn't hear anything out of the ordinary - until a branch breaks.

"Shh!" someone says.

"Oh god, they're going to find us, aren't they?" says another voice. Rainne recognizes it as Marlene.

"That's them!" she whispers to Sirius. He nods.

"Lumos," he mutters, walking towards the group.

The girls scream.

"Please don't hurt us!" screams Marlene.

"Be quiet, do you want to get us all killed, or what?" says Sirius, leading everyone behind another tree. He turns off the light on the tip of his wand, "Where's Remus?" he asks once they're safely hidden.

"He went to go get help," says Lily. Sirius moans, "Not from the school!" she quickly adds.

"Good. If I survive this I don't want to be stuck serving detention until January," he says. He looks around, listening to his surroundings.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" bellows a voice from the Witch's Wart, "OR I WILL CALL THE MINISTER OF MAGIC HIMSELF!"

Silence.

For a brief moment, the air is filled with the pops of the Death Eaters apparating.

Silence again.

"Do you think it's safe to go back out there?" asks Rainne. All she wants to do is embrace Ben and make sure he is okay. Sirius listens for a moment, then nods.

Rainne runs to the club, nearly tripping over tree roots several times. Her heavy breathing blocks out any other sounds and she knows that if any Death Eaters have stayed behind she is a goner. She doesn't care.

She finally reaches the stone road. The street is deserted, the only light provided by the flashing neon sign. Rainne looks around, desperate.

"Ben!" she cries. She doesn't bother waiting for the others and runs back into the building.

The place is a mess. Tables lay on the floor, some broken. Shards of glass cover the entire surface, crunching under Rainne's feet. The lights are off and she can't see a thing.

"Lumos."

Her wand illuminates the scene. Ben lays on the floor while James and Remus mend his wounds, muttering charms under their breath as their wands hover over the gashes covering his flesh. Rainne runs to him.

He looks at her and smiles. She tries to force herself to do the same, but can't seem to do it. She clears the glass around him and sets down on her knees, putting his head on her lap. She strokes his hair as she watches his friends work on his cuts.

**author's note: i just wanna note that i'm starting college tomorrow so i don't know how much time i'm going to have to write. i hope i can keep updating weekly, but i just don't know.**

**thanks for bearing with me. :)**


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